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Joketime~!
An attractive young woman was waiting at a crowded city
bus stop. She was decked out in a rather tight skirt with matching
boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up, and it became her turn to get on,
she realized that her skirt was too tight to allow her to
make the first step on the bus.
So, slightly embarrassed,
she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking
that this would give her enough slack to get her leg up to
the first step. Again she tried
but the skirt was still too tight.
Even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
and unzipped her skirt a little more. For
a second time she attempted the step, and once again just couldn't get her foot that
high.
It was just as she was reaching behind her a third time
that this big Texan right behind her picked her up from the waist
and placed her lightly on the step.
Well, she was not happy to be man-handled and turned on
the would-be hero, "You have no right to touch me, mister!
I don't even know you!"
At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my pants three times,
I kind
a figured that we was friends."
Q. What animal should you never play cards with?
A. A cheetah.
Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts
in his mouth. He Eats anything. But the day he swallowed
a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.
"What should I do?" I pleaded over the phone.
My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing a
quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it again
and a can of pop shoots out of his rear, give me a call."
A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around
Wal-
Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket
she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma."
or
"This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma."
and
so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally
asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech
and this is what she came home with!"
Proper attire is required in the
cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that
rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."
Next to it, a student added, "Socks
can eat wherever they want."
Mr. Gable had a leak in
the roof over his dining room, so he
called a
repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first
notice the
leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last
night, when it took me two hours to
finish my soup!"
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." --Marcus Brigstocke
Giggle
My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of
running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins. Everything is double, clothes,
food, pediatrician bills.
Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder
I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. I've had to remind him that...
talc is cheap.
Nutty Headlines
Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution Enraged Cow
Injures Farmer With Axe
Grandmother
of Eight Makes Hole in One Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Why You Want Sex Changes
With Age Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
A
crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the
lobster tires of the lying and tells her father,
who then
forbids her to see the crab anymore.
"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs
walk side-
ways and we walk straight."
"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once.
I know
you'll like him."
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise
his beloved's
family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk
straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.
Standing
on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards
him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter.....
"I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"
"The new commerce secretary is the former CEO of
Kellogg's.
After the announcement, President Bush said that maybe he
shouldn't make nominations
on an empty stomach."
--Conan O'Brien
Brain Teasers--
How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
answer- Once. After the first
calculation, you will be subtracting 5 from 20, then 5 from 15, and so on.
How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
answer- There is no dirt
in a hole.
I have a head like a cat. I have feet like at cat. But I am not a cat. What am I?
answer- A kitten.
Other uses for the "Real Thing":
· To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola
into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from
vitreous china.
· To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
· To clean corrosion from car battery terminals:
Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
· To loosen
a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
·
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty
minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
·
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a
regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
·
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
...and... we drink this stuff?!
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones
come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience
of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let
others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and
play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On
warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When
you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and
pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with
gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If
what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them
gently.
GIGGLE
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having
no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally
leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.
"I'm sorry, what
did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand
you." The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly,
"You've got to keep your worms warm."
Joketime
Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive, was trying to impress a client in his office.
He flipped on his intercom
switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!"
The client was indeed impressed -- until he heard the
secretary's response, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn!"
Sign in a John Deere sales office:
The only machine we don't stand
behind is our manure spreader.
Joketime
A country boy and his father were visiting a city mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked,
"What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and
his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles
lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-something-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his
son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
GIGGLE
My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next
I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would
add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way
I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory.
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn't live on my net
income.
I managed to get a good job working for a plumbing company but the work was just too draining.
So then
I got a job in a workout center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Joketime!!
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins
- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the end of the day when a cop parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment,
his K-9 partner was barking and he saw a little boy staring in at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It
sure is," replied the officer.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd
he do?"
JOKETIME
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One
morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmmm, I smell sausages."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said,
"Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As
the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger
moles were in the way.
Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole grumbled,
"The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Mind Control
============
See if you have good mind control
over your body.
This is left brain, right brain stuff.
This actually is true even though it may seem stupid
and
it's going to really frustrate you, but it's fun!
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and
make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.
Your
foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do
about it.
Try it!
_____________________
My! How Times have Changed!
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but
we didn't seem to get
food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it
raw sometimes
, but I can't remember getting E-coli. Almost all of us
would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine
pool
(talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in
a jail cell, and a pager was the school
PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead
of having cross-training athletic
shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. can't recall any
injuries
but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer
we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for
stupid kids! I
guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running
in the
halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today
if we only knew we could have
sued the school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the
pledge and staying
in detention after school caught all sorts of negative
attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand
it.
Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't
have known what either was anyway) but they did give
us a couple of baby
aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic
health system we had
then.
Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. I thought that I
was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud
of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
PlayStation, Nintendo,
X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be
repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the
dangers
could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile
down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out
of branches and
pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone
Ranger.
What was that
property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He
should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the
property,
complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. Oh
yeah... and where was the Benadryl and
sterilization kit when I got that
bee sting? I could have been killed! We played king of the hill on piles of
gravel
left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled
out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we
got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49
bottle of antibiotics
and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor
for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a
threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got
our butt spanked (physical abuse)
here too .... and then we got butt
spanked again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside
for coffee, kids choked
down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(remember why Tonka trucks
were made tough... it wasn't so that they
could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with
leaded
gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure
that I nearly exhausted my imagination
a couple of times when we went on
two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger
they put us
in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Sleeping in a 3-Star hotel today is considered "roughing it."
Summers
were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know
that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one
without an
automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.
How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only
psychos.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing
his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little
did his Mom
know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and
swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were
from
a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we
needed to get into group therapy and anger management
classes? We were
obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that
the entire country wasn't
taking Prozac! How the hell did we survive?
It is easier to get forgiveness
than permission, go for it!
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